Twinkle Twinkle

As a new mom, three years ago, I didn’t have a pre-existing catalogue of songs stored in the library of my mind. I don’t remember my biological mother being very nurturing or singing to me when I was a child; we never had a close relationship. Sometimes she would even say she wished I was never born…..

Since I held my son in my arms for the first time, I have been singing “twinkle twinkle little star.” It seemed basic. I remembered the words. I added a few lines of my own. It works for us. He was a calm baby and always a good sleeper. After he was born, the nurses in the hospital said he was the calmest baby of them all. Someone  recently told me that meant that I was calm during my pregnancy. Wow. I would have thought the opposite.  I was blessed to be a part of a faith community (Not Another Church) during my pregnancy- their love actually calmed my heart and grounded my faith. I give God the credit and the glory.

My friendships within my community were the balm that soothed worries and fears, created laughter,  and held my hand through the newness of becoming a mom. I remember how they brought me a chicken ranch sub from subway after I gave birth; they were in the room when I read my son his first book; they picked me up on thanksgiving day to share a meal with them. They took me to the emergency room when my son had jaundice; all in all, beyond their actions, they loved me and allowed me to be me. They helped me to grow in my faith and I learned to listen to my creator’s voice. I am so thankful that they were there for me when I was far away from home; they were very much my family and God’s hands and feet, when I needed someone to hold my hand and walk beside me. Beyond their acts of compassion; they embraced me; their friendships helped me as a mother and christian trying to find my way.

Today, my faith has not been diminished, but I am lacking a faith community. Which I have repeatedly promised myself that I would plant my feet somewhere. But my heart has been distant and I have been anxious, however, I have a longing in my heart to be more authentic in a shared community,  but it hasn’t happened yet–due to a lack of effort. Just honestly speaking.

And then, I check on my son at 2 am and normally he doesn’t wake or make a peep. But he says something so precious, “mommy, twinkle, twinkle.” He was asking me to sing….this time as I sang, my eyes filled with tears, just as they are falling once more as I pen these words…  no matter how many songs I don’t know or never learned, my son understands the most important one, “twinkle, twinkle little star, Carter Jacob,  your momma loves you, yes I do, I love you. ….”

This time, my son calmed my heart and he reminded me to find a faith community…

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