In this NEW Year (beyond our conflicted country), in just the span of five weeks, my life has toppled over like Jenga pieces; life has been messy and disconnected. In this chaos, I see opportunities for growth and recognize areas for improvement. Thank God, I am not stuck, but instead, I continue on my path. After all, this is not the first time, life hasn’t seemed very fair….
1978. 1979. 1983, 1988. 1991. 1996. 1997. 2002. 2006. 2010. 2012. 2013. 2014. 2015. 2016. 2017.
These are the years, that I can cross-reference with change and challenges. I am a victim of traumatic experiences, but I am NOT a statistic. I am a survivor, but I identify as a WARRIOR. It’s hard to imagine how I made it this far, but I will keep sharing the lessons that I’ve learned. The banner of my life expresses my core belief…. I have worth in the Father’s hands. I have come this far, by His grace.
I am more than my collective fears and anxiety. I try to focus and find clarity by centering myself with conviction & courage. I try to pay it forward and share my struggle to help others. Even with the full knowledge of His grace, it is sometimes very difficult to resist ache as my companion.
I don’t want to know loss, but I have lost someone every year since 2012 (my grandmother, my brother, my mother and most recently, my father).
Over the past week, I felt very alone.
This is not to say that my friends and family did not reach out to me, because they told me from the beginning, that if I needed anything, just to let them know. Through all my years, asking for help seems like the most logical next step, but it’s never that easy.
A fierce debate always takes place; self-doubt wrestles with insignificance; and I begin to question my value and people’s intentions. My expectations limit me from accepting help. It’s all in my head, because I know in my heart of hearts, that I am loved.
My insecurity is amplified by life’s circumstances, which keeps removing blocks. There’s no way to know why bad things happen to good people. Life stays messy and I grow more and more anxious, waiting for the next disappointment and heartbreak. How do we persevere, above all?
I am holding onto hope and believing in my purpose; I imagine what I can achieve; I want to support others who need encouraged to get through another day, month, or year(s).
I practice perseverance by trusting…
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.