Trauma, Resiliency and Change

FYI…this is a long post.

(Written at 5 a.m. on 8/26/17)
I have been trying to get stuff together for a yard sale….. I am still up…. really wondering if I am gonna have to pull an all-nighter.

I honestly didn’t think this week could get any longer, but it just did. Out of all the things we accomplished- my son and I went through all his toys and I organized all his clothes. 

We watched the Diary of a Wimpy kid too many times (4x) and he finally fell asleep while I finished up the organizing. He definitely has more than he needs; maybe we have to work on seeking less stuff and finding more meaning in the emergence of new beginnings.

This week had me curious about our future and my heart has been pulled drastically towards patience-

I have always earned about a B/more like a C average. 

Just saying…

There are too many tasks to get accomplished at this point- but I guess I can say that I have been waiting on a job offer (it hasn’t come yet). I have also been debating change and what it would mean for my son and I. Everything from packing and sorting to putting all of our stuff into a moving truck and moving away.

This is the most scared I have felt since I was pregnant with my son. And the truth is that I know God has been with me every step of the way. Especially on the days when my anxiety sky-rocketed & I couldn’t leave my house. when my electric bill arrived,  it was always  too high because I was assaulted two years ago &  I cannot find it within myself to turn off all the lights. There is real fear in my bones and I have to pray for peace and protection each and evèry day.

There is too much ache in this world- sometimes I feel that my inconveniences seem like just a loose thread on a favorite sweater.  “I am not going to fall apart,” I tell myself. “I am not giving up,” I pray to God. And “I will try to be the mom I always needed,”  I promise myself. 

All these feelings have consumed my heart-and I just wanted to make it clear that filters may make pictures prettier, but when it comes to writing… I just keep it brutally honest. 

So, here I am.

And suddenly  I am reminded about my memoir deadline; this week it was extended again. Ugh!

Again, Life isn’t all seemingly perfect  instagram photos. And I guess that is why I finally decided to work out this past week and join a gym. And the beautiful part of this post is that I worked out and felt amazing.  And I wanted to go back day after day. Even the guy at the gym said, “Hey, you are back!” 

This week, in the grocery store,  I almost picked up a box of swiss miss cake rolls. Every month I eat a whole box in less than a day. Yep, I feed my feelings. But this week, I put the box down.

Why? I remembered the two-day training I attended two weeks ago on “trauma-informed care” and recalled my “a-ha” moment- which at first, it felt like my adolescence was being poltergeisted through my chest. I remembered the abuse and what I would think about when my abuser was violating me.

 Food.

And then I would secretly go to the store before or after school and stuff my face with junk food… and swiss cake rolls.

Not kidding.

It all really happened 30 years ago and its still ripping my heart out of my chest? I just want to get over it!!! It happened so long ago. But that’s preicisely the myth of trauma. We have no control sometimes and the memories keep us stuck in the muck.

And so, what I thought was writer’s block, was really the process of unblocking. I also realized that I am in charge of creating new memories to reaffirm my pathway towards healing.

I couldn’t move forward with writing the next pages of  my memoir if I did not face my frequent binge-eating habits. 

And it happened- it all came to a point of convergence.  Tonight, I saw a professional portrait of myself  from last night’s Pecha Kucha. I thought how crappy it was that I spoke about resiliency and yet, the pain was still evident in my physical body. 

So that’s the beauty of the lesson…purchasing a gym membership and figuring out that my goal is to breathe and live more fully in the embrace of my purpose, which simply means to continue doing my best one step at a time, but making better choices along the way!

P.S.

About Columbus Pecha Kucha #42: A Night Under the Stars:

It was an honor to share my story alongside the other speakers of the night at Gallery 934. Pecha Kucha, in Japanese, means chit-chat. I had the opportunity to share 6 minutes and 40 seconds of my life. Each image was shown for 20 seconds and I spoke about my journey of resiliency and advocacy for foster Being an advocate for foster youth is my passion and purpose- and I want to help open doors and create community for foster youth. We really do need each other. 

I want to encourage you to start a conversation that matters-

Give people encouragement and permission to share their stories. Together, We can create a safer community that supports survivors to move from hurt to healing.

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